I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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