he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
