I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
