covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
