I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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