I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
