Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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