and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
