things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
