i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
