Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
