Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
