I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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