So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
then he tried to convert me to islam
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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