Swine flu. Run for my life!
he puts the penis in happiness.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
