Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
