you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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