I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
