youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
