woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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