I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
