the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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