Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
