My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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