So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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