Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
