You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
