I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
