oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
