we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
