Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
