Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
