the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
birth control should be required to get into college
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
