Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
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