i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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