what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
