I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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