I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
