went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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