A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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