Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
