I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
