She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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