morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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