I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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