just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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