I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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