yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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