look no pants
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
