That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
