if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
