I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
